Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
About Varied / Hobbyist Member AliiiiiiiiiiOther/Unknown Group :iconteam-le-rawr: Team-Le-Rawr
In Bananas We Thrust
Recent Activity
Deviant for 6 Years
Needs Premium Membership
Statistics 138 Deviations 2,770 Comments 28,106 Pageviews

Newest Deviations

Random Favourites

:heart:

Activity


  • Mood: Emotional
  • Playing: Tomodachi Life
Cheers to yet another depressing life update (it's gonna be really long, so read at your own pace).

Those who have me added on Facebook probably already know a lot of what Im about to write.

But for those who DON'T follow me, here's basically my recap of the last 2-3 months, and why I haven't been very active....


I posted back in February that my beloved cat of 12 years had to be put down... some of you may know that this cat really meant a lot to me, as he was the only thing, for years, that kept me company and got me through hard times when I had nobody else to turn to. His death destroyed me... when March 27th rolled around, things got worse, though....

It was the first month anniversary of my cat being gone, and I was still having a very hard time processing his loss... when that day came up, I hadn't realized how quickly time had passed, and I began to cry hysterically. My boyfriend was the only one who knew how much this would hurt me... and yet, my boyfriend decided that the one month anniversary was also the best time to dump me... and for really selfish reasons.

I was torn by many different things at the time... finals were quickly approaching, there was a lot of work to be completed in a short amount of time, I had a surprise party to plan for, and then my cat's death on top of that... I was horribly depressed and stressed out, and then... of course, it also just happened to be that time of the month too. 

My boyfriend and I had a random argument around that time, maybe a weekend prior, when he was visiting me alone at my house. He said some really nasty things to me completely out of the blue, and basically told me that I wasn't allowed to be depressed because it was annoying to him and kept him from doing what he wanted with me. Which was pretty much sex. All the time.

I was preparing mix to bake cupcakes that day, when he randomly said to me "You're always so depressed. All you ever do is mope around and cry and I can't even get close to you anymore." (ironic because the last thing I remember is me mourning my cat one night and him randomly feeling me up and asking for sex while I was bent over, crying)

Then he started bringing in his dead best friend, trying to compare her to my cat, and indirectly saying her death meant more because she was human, and he was "just a cat".

He always brought her up during EVERY argument, because he knew using someone's death was the perfect tool to get someone else to immediately feel bad and give up their argument just to pity you instead. But this situation wasn't about him. Or her. It was about me and my cat. And I was pissed at his audacity, and so fucking tired of him always using her against me, so I screamed at him "FUCK YOUR FRIEND". 

He stopped abruptly and just stared at me, then stormed up the stairs toward me and got in my face, as I said, "Yeah, it doesn't feel so nice when you say things like that about a deceased loved one, does it?!"

And he again had the audacity to say "How dare you say that?"

How dare I say what? The truth? How about "how dare HE be so heartless to begin with?"

He looked like he was ready to do something to me, so I swung at him. But he ducked, and my hand smashed into the wall, and immediately sprained my thumb.... it hurt like a bitch, but I had to stay strong and try not to cry, even though I really wanted to. So I hobbled off to the kitchen instead, not saying a word... he followed after me, still throwing insults at me.


Somehow we managed to work through this though... and he ended up bandaging my hand for me and giving me an ice pack... for the next week, he played nurse for me. My dominant hand was out of order, so he bathed me, dressed me, packed my book bag for me (and carried it), did my hair for me, cooked for me, and pretty much anything else I needed (some simple things like opening bottles).

All he did the entire time though, was bitch about it.

He didn't care that I was injured. He didn't care that I just lost my cat. In fact, he said my attachment to my cat was unhealthy, and apparently even lied and told one of my friends privately that I said "my cat needed a formal funeral, and that says a lot about my sanity"..... basically calling me insane. Even though I never even made that comment.

I ended up having to lie to everyone about the injury. I told everyone I tripped and fell down the stairs.
Everyone bought it... and I felt horrible.


So on March 27th, I private messaged him on Facebook and told him that I was tired of everything being the way it was... I was tired of fighting all the time, and that the entire day with me hurting my thumb and lying about it should've never happened... then I told him I wished he would tell people the truth about us... about him... I told him I wished he would stop telling everyone all the stuff I did, and start telling everyone the things he did to me... then I deactivated my account briefly for just the one night, so that I could take a step back and just relax...

The next day, I came back and saw that he had typed this whole long post publicly to everyone on his page about us... and veered briefly about me... and then as usual, the post became all about him... he basically posted this sweet, sappy post, desperate to have someone get in touch with me and pass on the message to me, but nobody did... so I had no clue, but I saw that he had re-posted it like 5 times, I guess to make sure literally everyone saw it. However, this was NOT the kind of post I asked him to make...

He said something like "I can't get a hold of her, I think she blocked me, but if anyone can pass this on for me, please tell her that Im sorry for all the things I've ever done or said, and tell her that she wasn't a monster. -RANDOM BIT ABOUT HIMSELF AND MUSIC- If we become single, I want her to know that she was not the monster in this relationship."

And it was total BULLSHIT because right after I saw it, I got upset and tried to PM him to ask him about the post, and see if he was okay, and then he immediately began berating me and putting me down, and telling me every reason in the book why I wasn't good enough for him...

Then he dumped me... and blocked me.


A week or so later, I logged onto my side account on FB to PM him for clearer answers, because he left me very confused, with mixed messages... and he basically told me that he was just stringing me along for the past three years, and using me. Most likely for sex, because he knew I was in love with him enough to willingly give him whatever he wanted. Though he said he wasn't ever happy with me, and it didn't make any sense to me, because he always went out of his way to do things for me and buy me things without me asking... he just spent $80 on rabbit supplies for me a week prior to this, saying it was gonna be my graduation gift, and also something to help me get over the loss of my cat.... so I asked him, "why do this if you always KNEW you wanted to leave me?"... he told me he planned to leave me for a very long time, but he wanted me to at least complete this last semester, but decided this had to be done sooner "for our own good"... no, it wasn't done in thought of anyone but himself. He screwed me over for the next four weeks, and I had to jump from house to house, trying to find a place to stay so I could still even GET to school in the mornings. He said he was sorry for putting me in that position and hurting me, but he didn't mean it... otherwise, he'd still at least be faking helping me right now. 

Then I realized how manipulative and abusive he was.
And narcissistic. And that he borderline raped me before (which ties in with the abuse).
And he cheated on me. And countlessly chose drugs over allowing me to help him.

SO many things he could've gotten in trouble for... but I never called the cops on him cause I loved him and trusted him and wanted to work things out.

I tried SO FUCKING HARD to be nice for him constantly, only to be repeatedly shit on by him.

He drilled it into my head that I was psychotic. Told me repeatedly, even as he flipped a shit on me and would punch holes in walls and break stuff and scream until he started foaming at the mouth and hyperventilating.

Once, he punched a hole in a wall and told me that I was lucky to be a girl, because if I wasn't, "that wall would've been my head".



...It's good to be free of an abusive relationship, especially now having clarification that he was the abusive one, and I didn't ACTUALLY do anything wrong the entire time, except defend myself from him....

but now Im extremely depressed and lonely and angry and... very... very broken. My trust is completely damaged, and the idea of love makes me want to vomit.... I can't believe I had been lied to all along... hurt constantly, and twisted to believe I was the reason the hurt existed....

Now I don't have love, and my cat isn't here to comfort me anymore either....


Finals are this week, and I still have so much work to complete before Friday, or I may not graduate... I've been missing A LOT of school time this past week because the depression has literally made me unable to handle being around people (esp. happy people), to the point where anxiety kicks in and makes me incredibly nauseous....

So yeah... that's why I've been away so long.
Kinda just been... trying to find distractions so I stop thinking about... you know... suicidal things.

The constant nightmares every night don't really help either... my subconscious obviously really loves me.




/massive painful sigh


**TL;DR, cat of 12 years died... first month without him came and boyfriend of 3 years dumps me on same day.

Selfish reasons. Nasty comments. Thumb injuries. Yeah. Abusive boyfriend. 

Finals coming up. Depression. Lonely. No love. Annnnd cat isn't here for comfort anymore.


That's about it. 




-Ali
  • Mood: Gloomy
  • Playing: Smash Bros. 3DS
*UPDATE: As if things couldn't get any worse... my mom just told me that the vet discovered he had a brain tumor...

Apparently after he went blind, he continued to seize, and couldn't hold his balance anymore. She told me that he wouldn't eat, that he wouldn't walk... and when he did walk, he always ended up falling from the ledge of my railing on the second floor of my house. Twice, he came down and didn't catch himself... he just slammed into the floor. Probably furthering the injury of the tumor... and then he started to smash his face into things. Intentionally. My mom told me he started smashing his face into the corners of walls, and that when she tried to feed him Friday morning, he fell over face-first into his food twice in a row, unable to control his balance enough to sit down...

If I were in his position, I'd have probably wanted to just give up too... he was always strong, and he fought this battle for months before succumbing to it... even when he lost his teeth... his vision... his stability... he kept pushing on. I don't get it... maybe if my mom had waited for me to come home that night (I was literally only 2 minutes away from catching a bus), he would've been able to "see" me one last time, so that he could rest more peacefully... and maybe I would've been too. We always sat by each other whenever we had problems. When I was upset, he used to sit next to me and paw at my face to get me to stop crying. And when he was hurt from his tooth surgery, I was the only one who soothed him enough so he could eat... he wouldn't eat for my parents at all. In those final moments, we really could've used each other for comfort one last time...


---

I haven't been online in a while, mostly due to drastic attempts at catching myself back up with three weeks missed of school work... but on top of this, my cat got really sick and... it's been really hard...

Long story short, He was diagnosed with diabetes about a year ago, maybe half a year ago... cant remember... all I know is, he's struggled with balancing his blood sugar levels for a long time, and it's been a really tough battle for all of us. 

In January, the vet found a bad infection in his mouth that was screwing with his levels, and he had to have surgery to remove his teeth... it would be the only way to get rid of the infection... but then he was hurting so much, he wasn't eating... I had to come home to feed him via syringe until the pain went away...

Then the vet thought he had hyperthyroidism on top of the diabetes, so she prescribed him some pills to take with his insulin... she said stabilizing this would also help to stabilize his blood sugar levels... but it didn't...

Last weekend, I came home again briefly, to take care of him. I noticed he wasn't moving much. He spent the whole night sleeping on my bed next to me, and when I called him upstairs for food, he didn't budge. I tried to pick him up and put him on the floor, thinking maybe his legs were hurting him, and he just... sat there and started crying... I didn't know what was wrong. He started walking again after I nudged him a little with my foot, but then he just stopped and didn't try again... I had to carry him upstairs and put him on the kitchen table myself, but even then he didn't eat... he didn't even look at the food... he just sat there, staring ahead....

We ended up taking him to the vet last Sunday because it turned out he had a diabetic shock, and was very weak from it... his blood sugar level was very low that morning, and I offered him food hoping it would make him feel better... he was fine at the vet's office, but... sometime after that, he apparently went blind, and couldn't make his way around anymore... he was terrified...

Thursday night, I contemplated going home to see him, thinking to comfort him again, but I ultimately decided not to go home because I knew I would have some peace to relax on Friday night for once, and I wanted to take advantage of that... but this past Friday, my mom called me as I was heading home from school, telling me that he was seizing or maybe having a stroke, and he had peed himself, and he wasn't able to walk at all... she went to rush him into the vet's office again, and they said he had blood clots that were causing him to seize... and that putting him down was our only option...


So... Im pretty hurt right now... my head is spinning, and I can't stop crying...

I've had this cat for 11 years. He was essentially a birthday gift to myself, that I got when I turned 9...

I loved him with all my heart, and Im so devastated that this had to happen this way...
I miss him so much...







-Ali
Goodnight, Sweet Prince. by Alibabbu
Goodnight, Sweet Prince.
A memorial piece for my cat was kinda inevitable... though I am really depressed by his loss, and am seriously struggling to do anything other than cry... so this trace-over vector of sorts, is the best I could muster for now... but it's better than nothing. I'll probably make something better later, when my head is back on right.

Yeah, I was sad when I lost my dog a few months back, but this cat was my baby.
Im beyond devastated, and can only hope that wherever he is now, he isn't suffering anymore...


Journal for more info... > fav.me/d8k23ia




I plan to print this out at school so I can bring it home and hang it up somewhere. I never want to forget how awesome it was to have this cat in my life.





Art (c) Ali
Please do no steal this image.
If I find my cat re-posted anywhere, I will assume it's okay that I proceed to toss hammers lovingly at your face.
This cat meant the world to me, and I do not want his image defiled. Thank you. 
Loading...
C O R A L by Alibabbu
C O R A L
 I MADE AN ART

first digital thing of 2015 and it's coral

whadda qt



I don't have a 2015 watermark yet, so no touchy plz



Art + Character (c) Ali
Loading...
  • Mood: Sickened
  • Playing: Tomodachi Life
  • Eating: Soup
  • Drinking: Ginger Ale
My first week of round 2 of college started up last Monday, and gueeeess what?

I MISSED ALL OF IT.

No, it wasn't because I was lazy and didn't check my schedule (I posted it in a past journal, so that theory is a bust). 

Basically, at the start of the week, I got a serious bladder infection, and was out because of pains in my abdomen, frequent, irritating urges to urinate, and small traces of blood in my urine... so I left school early on Wednesday to see a doctor, and she prescribed me antibiotics... fine. But then... I got a damn flu, on top of it. I was out the rest of the week (including today), crippled by the following symptoms:

Bad rattling coughing fits, high fever, burning congestion, eye pains (??), partial deafness (I told my mom I hear "all bass, but no treble"), chest pains, body aches, sore throat / pain with swallowing, and recently, blistering/peeling skin (most likely cold sores), and a very robotic voice (and I can't raise my voice either). 

To put it simply... I thought I was dying.

These symptoms endured for like 5 days, and I can't tell you enough how much it terrified me... you see, I haven't had a flu since I was really little... so I didn't recall the severity of them. Around here, we have vaccines for H1N1 flu virus... I never thought to get vaccinated because I don't normally hang around enough people to get sick... but it didn't matter whether I was vaccinated or not, because this was a strain that we were NOT prepared for (aka, not H1N1)... many people around here were catching this same brutal strain, and in one case on the news, a child actually died from it. I took all sorts of pills to combat it, but none of them worked... and as it turned out, quite a few other people were calling the doctor with the same complaints.

I just hope my teachers don't get a bad first impression of me. 
It's not like I tried to be sick... ):


Anyway, Im on the road to recovery now, but with college back on, I still don't know how much art I can really post. I'll try to get something posted whenever I can, though... from now on, I'll be taking my laptop with me when I leave for school, so there will be a greater chance if I ever have freetime while Im away. (:



That is all!

-Ali

deviantID

Alibabbu
Aliiiiiiiiii
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
  • Mood: Emotional
  • Playing: Tomodachi Life
Cheers to yet another depressing life update (it's gonna be really long, so read at your own pace).

Those who have me added on Facebook probably already know a lot of what Im about to write.

But for those who DON'T follow me, here's basically my recap of the last 2-3 months, and why I haven't been very active....


I posted back in February that my beloved cat of 12 years had to be put down... some of you may know that this cat really meant a lot to me, as he was the only thing, for years, that kept me company and got me through hard times when I had nobody else to turn to. His death destroyed me... when March 27th rolled around, things got worse, though....

It was the first month anniversary of my cat being gone, and I was still having a very hard time processing his loss... when that day came up, I hadn't realized how quickly time had passed, and I began to cry hysterically. My boyfriend was the only one who knew how much this would hurt me... and yet, my boyfriend decided that the one month anniversary was also the best time to dump me... and for really selfish reasons.

I was torn by many different things at the time... finals were quickly approaching, there was a lot of work to be completed in a short amount of time, I had a surprise party to plan for, and then my cat's death on top of that... I was horribly depressed and stressed out, and then... of course, it also just happened to be that time of the month too. 

My boyfriend and I had a random argument around that time, maybe a weekend prior, when he was visiting me alone at my house. He said some really nasty things to me completely out of the blue, and basically told me that I wasn't allowed to be depressed because it was annoying to him and kept him from doing what he wanted with me. Which was pretty much sex. All the time.

I was preparing mix to bake cupcakes that day, when he randomly said to me "You're always so depressed. All you ever do is mope around and cry and I can't even get close to you anymore." (ironic because the last thing I remember is me mourning my cat one night and him randomly feeling me up and asking for sex while I was bent over, crying)

Then he started bringing in his dead best friend, trying to compare her to my cat, and indirectly saying her death meant more because she was human, and he was "just a cat".

He always brought her up during EVERY argument, because he knew using someone's death was the perfect tool to get someone else to immediately feel bad and give up their argument just to pity you instead. But this situation wasn't about him. Or her. It was about me and my cat. And I was pissed at his audacity, and so fucking tired of him always using her against me, so I screamed at him "FUCK YOUR FRIEND". 

He stopped abruptly and just stared at me, then stormed up the stairs toward me and got in my face, as I said, "Yeah, it doesn't feel so nice when you say things like that about a deceased loved one, does it?!"

And he again had the audacity to say "How dare you say that?"

How dare I say what? The truth? How about "how dare HE be so heartless to begin with?"

He looked like he was ready to do something to me, so I swung at him. But he ducked, and my hand smashed into the wall, and immediately sprained my thumb.... it hurt like a bitch, but I had to stay strong and try not to cry, even though I really wanted to. So I hobbled off to the kitchen instead, not saying a word... he followed after me, still throwing insults at me.


Somehow we managed to work through this though... and he ended up bandaging my hand for me and giving me an ice pack... for the next week, he played nurse for me. My dominant hand was out of order, so he bathed me, dressed me, packed my book bag for me (and carried it), did my hair for me, cooked for me, and pretty much anything else I needed (some simple things like opening bottles).

All he did the entire time though, was bitch about it.

He didn't care that I was injured. He didn't care that I just lost my cat. In fact, he said my attachment to my cat was unhealthy, and apparently even lied and told one of my friends privately that I said "my cat needed a formal funeral, and that says a lot about my sanity"..... basically calling me insane. Even though I never even made that comment.

I ended up having to lie to everyone about the injury. I told everyone I tripped and fell down the stairs.
Everyone bought it... and I felt horrible.


So on March 27th, I private messaged him on Facebook and told him that I was tired of everything being the way it was... I was tired of fighting all the time, and that the entire day with me hurting my thumb and lying about it should've never happened... then I told him I wished he would tell people the truth about us... about him... I told him I wished he would stop telling everyone all the stuff I did, and start telling everyone the things he did to me... then I deactivated my account briefly for just the one night, so that I could take a step back and just relax...

The next day, I came back and saw that he had typed this whole long post publicly to everyone on his page about us... and veered briefly about me... and then as usual, the post became all about him... he basically posted this sweet, sappy post, desperate to have someone get in touch with me and pass on the message to me, but nobody did... so I had no clue, but I saw that he had re-posted it like 5 times, I guess to make sure literally everyone saw it. However, this was NOT the kind of post I asked him to make...

He said something like "I can't get a hold of her, I think she blocked me, but if anyone can pass this on for me, please tell her that Im sorry for all the things I've ever done or said, and tell her that she wasn't a monster. -RANDOM BIT ABOUT HIMSELF AND MUSIC- If we become single, I want her to know that she was not the monster in this relationship."

And it was total BULLSHIT because right after I saw it, I got upset and tried to PM him to ask him about the post, and see if he was okay, and then he immediately began berating me and putting me down, and telling me every reason in the book why I wasn't good enough for him...

Then he dumped me... and blocked me.


A week or so later, I logged onto my side account on FB to PM him for clearer answers, because he left me very confused, with mixed messages... and he basically told me that he was just stringing me along for the past three years, and using me. Most likely for sex, because he knew I was in love with him enough to willingly give him whatever he wanted. Though he said he wasn't ever happy with me, and it didn't make any sense to me, because he always went out of his way to do things for me and buy me things without me asking... he just spent $80 on rabbit supplies for me a week prior to this, saying it was gonna be my graduation gift, and also something to help me get over the loss of my cat.... so I asked him, "why do this if you always KNEW you wanted to leave me?"... he told me he planned to leave me for a very long time, but he wanted me to at least complete this last semester, but decided this had to be done sooner "for our own good"... no, it wasn't done in thought of anyone but himself. He screwed me over for the next four weeks, and I had to jump from house to house, trying to find a place to stay so I could still even GET to school in the mornings. He said he was sorry for putting me in that position and hurting me, but he didn't mean it... otherwise, he'd still at least be faking helping me right now. 

Then I realized how manipulative and abusive he was.
And narcissistic. And that he borderline raped me before (which ties in with the abuse).
And he cheated on me. And countlessly chose drugs over allowing me to help him.

SO many things he could've gotten in trouble for... but I never called the cops on him cause I loved him and trusted him and wanted to work things out.

I tried SO FUCKING HARD to be nice for him constantly, only to be repeatedly shit on by him.

He drilled it into my head that I was psychotic. Told me repeatedly, even as he flipped a shit on me and would punch holes in walls and break stuff and scream until he started foaming at the mouth and hyperventilating.

Once, he punched a hole in a wall and told me that I was lucky to be a girl, because if I wasn't, "that wall would've been my head".



...It's good to be free of an abusive relationship, especially now having clarification that he was the abusive one, and I didn't ACTUALLY do anything wrong the entire time, except defend myself from him....

but now Im extremely depressed and lonely and angry and... very... very broken. My trust is completely damaged, and the idea of love makes me want to vomit.... I can't believe I had been lied to all along... hurt constantly, and twisted to believe I was the reason the hurt existed....

Now I don't have love, and my cat isn't here to comfort me anymore either....


Finals are this week, and I still have so much work to complete before Friday, or I may not graduate... I've been missing A LOT of school time this past week because the depression has literally made me unable to handle being around people (esp. happy people), to the point where anxiety kicks in and makes me incredibly nauseous....

So yeah... that's why I've been away so long.
Kinda just been... trying to find distractions so I stop thinking about... you know... suicidal things.

The constant nightmares every night don't really help either... my subconscious obviously really loves me.




/massive painful sigh


**TL;DR, cat of 12 years died... first month without him came and boyfriend of 3 years dumps me on same day.

Selfish reasons. Nasty comments. Thumb injuries. Yeah. Abusive boyfriend. 

Finals coming up. Depression. Lonely. No love. Annnnd cat isn't here for comfort anymore.


That's about it. 




-Ali

AdCast - Ads from the Community

Comments


Add a Comment:
 
:iconvonborowsky:
vonBorowsky Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2015  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thank you for watching!
Reply
:iconcennie:
cennie Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Thank you for the fave!
I really appreciate it! :)
Reply
:iconriphath:
Riphath Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
:la::+fav:Thanks for the Fav!:+fav::la:
Reply
:iconspaceshipearth:
SpaceShipEarth Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014

Welcome to :iconadultanonymous:

Reply
:iconbleustar365:
BleuStar365 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014  Student Digital Artist
:cake: Well, Happy Birthday! :cake:

Nice to know that you're still staying strong and improving with your art after all these years! I'm wishing you the best of luck and I'll be supporting you forever!
Reply
Add a Comment: