Playing: Tomodachi Life
Cheers to yet another depressing life update (it's gonna be really long, so read at your own pace).
Those who have me added on Facebook probably already know a lot of what Im about to write.
But for those who DON'T follow me, here's basically my recap of the last 2-3 months, and why I haven't been very active....
I posted back in February that my beloved cat of 12 years had to be put down... some of you may know that this cat really meant a lot to me, as he was the only thing, for years, that kept me company and got me through hard times when I had nobody else to turn to. His death destroyed me... when March 27th rolled around, things got worse, though....
It was the first month anniversary of my cat being gone, and I was still having a very hard time processing his loss... when that day came up, I hadn't realized how quickly time had passed, and I began to cry hysterically. My boyfriend was the only one who knew how much this would hurt me... and yet, my boyfriend decided that the one month anniversary was also the best time to dump me... and for really selfish reasons.
I was torn by many different things at the time... finals were quickly approaching, there was a lot of work to be completed in a short amount of time, I had a surprise party to plan for, and then my cat's death on top of that... I was horribly depressed and stressed out, and then... of course, it also just happened to be that time of the month too.
My boyfriend and I had a random argument around that time, maybe a weekend prior, when he was visiting me alone at my house. He said some really nasty things to me completely out of the blue, and basically told me that I wasn't allowed to be depressed because it was annoying to him and kept him from doing what he wanted with me. Which was pretty much sex. All the time.
I was preparing mix to bake cupcakes that day, when he randomly said to me "You're always so depressed. All you ever do is mope around and cry and I can't even get close to you anymore." (ironic because the last thing I remember is me mourning my cat one night and him randomly feeling me up and asking for sex while I was bent over, crying)
Then he started bringing in his dead best friend, trying to compare her to my cat, and indirectly saying her death meant more because she was human, and he was "just a cat".
He always brought her up during EVERY argument, because he knew using someone's death was the perfect tool to get someone else to immediately feel bad and give up their argument just to pity you instead. But this situation wasn't about him. Or her. It was about me and my cat. And I was pissed at his audacity, and so fucking tired of him always using her against me, so I screamed at him "FUCK YOUR FRIEND".
He stopped abruptly and just stared at me, then stormed up the stairs toward me and got in my face, as I said, "Yeah, it doesn't feel so nice when you say things like that about a deceased loved one, does it?!"
And he again had the audacity to say "How dare you say that?"
How dare I say what? The truth? How about "how dare HE be so heartless to begin with?"
He looked like he was ready to do something to me, so I swung at him. But he ducked, and my hand smashed into the wall, and immediately sprained my thumb.... it hurt like a bitch, but I had to stay strong and try not to cry, even though I really wanted to. So I hobbled off to the kitchen instead, not saying a word... he followed after me, still throwing insults at me.
Somehow we managed to work through this though... and he ended up bandaging my hand for me and giving me an ice pack... for the next week, he played nurse for me. My dominant hand was out of order, so he bathed me, dressed me, packed my book bag for me (and carried it), did my hair for me, cooked for me, and pretty much anything else I needed (some simple things like opening bottles).
All he did the entire time though, was bitch about it.
He didn't care that I was injured. He didn't care that I just lost my cat. In fact, he said my attachment to my cat was unhealthy, and apparently even lied and told one of my friends privately that I said "my cat needed a formal funeral, and that says a lot about my sanity"..... basically calling me insane. Even though I never even made that comment.
I ended up having to lie to everyone about the injury. I told everyone I tripped and fell down the stairs.
Everyone bought it... and I felt horrible.
So on March 27th, I private messaged him on Facebook and told him that I was tired of everything being the way it was... I was tired of fighting all the time, and that the entire day with me hurting my thumb and lying about it should've never happened... then I told him I wished he would tell people the truth about us... about him... I told him I wished he would stop telling everyone all the stuff I did, and start telling everyone the things he did to me... then I deactivated my account briefly for just the one night, so that I could take a step back and just relax...
The next day, I came back and saw that he had typed this whole long post publicly to everyone on his page about us... and veered briefly about me... and then as usual, the post became all about him... he basically posted this sweet, sappy post, desperate to have someone get in touch with me and pass on the message to me, but nobody did... so I had no clue, but I saw that he had re-posted it like 5 times, I guess to make sure literally everyone saw it. However, this was NOT the kind of post I asked him to make...
He said something like "I can't get a hold of her, I think she blocked me, but if anyone can pass this on for me, please tell her that Im sorry for all the things I've ever done or said, and tell her that she wasn't a monster. -RANDOM BIT ABOUT HIMSELF AND MUSIC- If we become single, I want her to know that she was not the monster in this relationship."
And it was total BULLSHIT because right after I saw it, I got upset and tried to PM him to ask him about the post, and see if he was okay, and then he immediately began berating me and putting me down, and telling me every reason in the book why I wasn't good enough for him...
Then he dumped me... and blocked me.
A week or so later, I logged onto my side account on FB to PM him for clearer answers, because he left me very confused, with mixed messages... and he basically told me that he was just stringing me along for the past three years, and using me. Most likely for sex, because he knew I was in love with him enough to willingly give him whatever he wanted. Though he said he wasn't ever happy with me, and it didn't make any sense to me, because he always went out of his way to do things for me and buy me things without me asking... he just spent $80 on rabbit supplies for me a week prior to this, saying it was gonna be my graduation gift, and also something to help me get over the loss of my cat.... so I asked him, "why do this if you always KNEW you wanted to leave me?"... he told me he planned to leave me for a very long time, but he wanted me to at least complete this last semester, but decided this had to be done sooner "for our own good"... no, it wasn't done in thought of anyone but himself. He screwed me over for the next four weeks, and I had to jump from house to house, trying to find a place to stay so I could still even GET to school in the mornings. He said he was sorry for putting me in that position and hurting me, but he didn't mean it... otherwise, he'd still at least be faking helping me right now.
Then I realized how manipulative and abusive he was.
And narcissistic. And that he borderline raped me before (which ties in with the abuse).
And he cheated on me. And countlessly chose drugs over allowing me to help him.
SO many things he could've gotten in trouble for... but I never called the cops on him cause I loved him and trusted him and wanted to work things out.
I tried SO FUCKING HARD to be nice for him constantly, only to be repeatedly shit on by him.
He drilled it into my head that I was psychotic. Told me repeatedly, even as he flipped a shit on me and would punch holes in walls and break stuff and scream until he started foaming at the mouth and hyperventilating.
Once, he punched a hole in a wall and told me that I was lucky to be a girl, because if I wasn't, "that wall would've been my head".
...It's good to be free of an abusive relationship, especially now having clarification that he was the abusive one, and I didn't ACTUALLY do anything wrong the entire time, except defend myself from him....
but now Im extremely depressed and lonely and angry and... very... very broken. My trust is completely damaged, and the idea of love makes me want to vomit.... I can't believe I had been lied to all along... hurt constantly, and twisted to believe I was the reason the hurt existed....
Now I don't have love, and my cat isn't here to comfort me anymore either....
Finals are this week, and I still have so much work to complete before Friday, or I may not graduate... I've been missing A LOT of school time this past week because the depression has literally made me unable to handle being around people (esp. happy people), to the point where anxiety kicks in and makes me incredibly nauseous....
So yeah... that's why I've been away so long.
Kinda just been... trying to find distractions so I stop thinking about... you know... suicidal things.
The constant nightmares every night don't really help either... my subconscious obviously really loves me.
/massive painful sigh
**TL;DR, cat of 12 years died... first month without him came and boyfriend of 3 years dumps me on same day.
Selfish reasons. Nasty comments. Thumb injuries. Yeah. Abusive boyfriend.
Finals coming up. Depression. Lonely. No love. Annnnd cat isn't here for comfort anymore.
That's about it.